Author: Bob Kane
What a lovely, atmospheric title page. The odd perspective of objects; the moon, wreathed in clouds which blend with the smoke from the ship out in the water... And for once, the colorist has actually colored the sky sort-of night-ish. What's best about it is that the narration box informs us that Batman and Robin are not springing into action; they're just watching, coldly, as one set of criminals prepares to execute another.
It's only after there's been plenty of time for killing--the man with the gun, "Shoulders", even says, "Here it comes!"--that Batman and Robin dive into the fray. Our heroes totally humiliate the criminals by beating the pants off them, a beating accompanied by taunts. My favorite being their opening: as they leap down onto the heads of two of the men, Batman shouts, "Greetings and salutations and such!" and Robin yells "Hello!" Politeness is a virtue, I suppose.
Most of the crooks manage to get away, spraying machine-gun rounds from the car as they do so. A cry of triumph; they've hit Miller, the man they were trying to kill. Miller topples off the pier, and Batman dives in after him to fish him out.
Batman kneels over the wounded man, who tells him he's got a story that needs to come out. "After a little medical treatment," says Batman. ("I've got Band-Aids in the car," he adds. "No thanks," says Miller. "They've got little baaaaats on them," tempts the superhero.)
"I'm dying, Batman. Even my once noble mustache is shrinking before my very nose."
I'd like to point out that this man's story goes on for two whole pages. Pass out, already!
Simplified, here is his story:
"So I was in prison, right? Goin' crazy. I said I'd do anything to get out! Then my cell mate takes me up on it. Er... not in a gay way. He says he can arrange a parole hearing in my favor. Says he gets paid for it by the bosses on the outside. Anyway, the parole board gets me off--not in a gay way--and soon enough I'm breathing fresh air again! I swore I'd go straight, but no sooner have I begun amblin' toward law-abidingness do two friends of the man who got me out of jail walk up and offer me a job. It's a bank job, says the boss they take me to, who I recognize from the parole board. Apparently he's gotten all his henchmen off. Not in a gay way, you understand. They all work off their debt by pulling jobs for him, see? Anyway, I tell him nothin' doin'. I'm playing it straight, taking the narrow path, all that stuff, right, and he hands me a metal case. I take it, look it over, give it back. He says his boys used that very item in the job they just pulled half an hour ago, and now it's got my fingerprints all over it. The boss says one look at that and the police will have me back in jail so fast it'll make my head swim. But I tell 'im, go ahead! Send me back! I'll tell them who you really are! And at that, the boss ordered his men to show me the waterfront..."
"You... you're the boss..." the man choked out. "But not... in a... gay... way..."
He held on for his entire story, and only falls unconscious when he's about to reveal the identity of the bad guy? Ridiculous.
Dammit Batman. One day you'll run out of lampshades. And what then?!
Our heroes drop Miller off at the hospital, but the next day realize that once the criminals know Miller's alive, they'll try and finish what they started. I'm sure that information won't get out, though.
"Patient may have secret knowledge about criminal undertakings. Also, the night watch comes 'round every hour at fifteen past, and if you turn to our style section, we'll show you how to fake a doctor's uniform and security badge on a budget!"
Oh, for heaven's sake. One of these days Batman ought to take on the Fourth Estate.
Anyways, the criminals do, apparently, read the Gotham News, and so just one night after they tried to kill Miller, they sneak into his hospital room to give it another shot (so to speak). They're in for a surprise, however.
"And attached to one end of it, Batman himself!"
There's a brief, frenetic battle (which the narration calls, pleasingly, "an avalanche of fist"), which brings the cops running, and in turn sends both the criminals and the vigilantes packing.
Please let this be Batman's new catch phrase.
Both sets of lawbreakers get away. But Batman declares it's time to go on the offensive. To the end, he decides to break into prison. Although he calls it "going to town" for some strange reason.
The next night, the Batplane hovers over the prison as Batman lowers himself on a rope. He sleeping-gasses the guard and slips inside.
The last step before going to sleep is saying the letter "z" over and over again. It's science fact!
Batman breaks into Slink's cell--Slink being the guy who got Miller out of jail in the first place--abducts his cell-mate, and takes him back to his Batplane, stepping gently over softly snoring guards as he walks.
Johnny Snake-Eyes never thought he'd get out of prison. And he never thought he'd find himself face to face with himself, either. It seemed that his dream of dancing the leads in the classic Broadway show, "Clone Tango", was coming true all at once. But did this new Johnny have the same grace and poise? There was only way to find out.
Disguised as Slink's cellmate, Bruce expresses a desire to get out of jail. Slink obliges with another parole hearing.
Oh man. I hope it's the one who starts every sentence with the word "arrumph". Oh please oh please.
It all goes according to plan, and "Marty" soon finds himself on the outside, and just as quickly, in a meeting with the boss.
That night, "Marty" is out on the heist, and Robin is outside Boss Arrumph's office, to make sure he doesn't try to escape. Meanwhile, the criminals at the heist are suddenly plunged into what must be one of those recurring criminal nightmares, like giving the bank teller your "give me all the money or I start shooting" note and then realizing you forgot your gun, and also your pants:
"oh god it's just as horrible as my subconscious thought it would be"
Also I would like to point out that Batman is apparently even more of a genius with makeup than we thought, considering he totally had his mask on under the make-up.
Yet another fight ensues (man, fights just tend to do that, don't they? ensue. I don't even know what that word means) and Batman is doing well for a while, swinging about from the ceiling, tossing silk onto the bad guys. But it turns out silk is softer than fists, and when more reinforcements come, Batman does the brave thing and dives out a window.
Meanwhile, Robin proves himself to be the worst lookout in the history of people who look out at stuff.
"He'll probably want his autograph!"
"The boss is a little weird sometimes, don't you think?"
The deliberations on the precise time and nature of Robin's execution are delayed indefinitely by Slink, who walks in the door still dressed in convict stripes. Apparently, he finally got tired of helping his cell-mates get paroled, and so he broke out of prison. Bringing, of course, the entire GCPD down on their heads.
That's the duel? What about ten paces at dawn? Man, killing used to be so much more civilized.
Meanwhile meanwhile, a plot-line resurfaces:
Somewhat dazed from what he's been through, Zombie Batman refuses to face the truth: he had been drowned. As he shambles toward town and its criminals, one thought hammers through his mind: braaaaaaaaaaaaains.
By the time he gets there, Batman is interrupting a tense hostage situation. The gangsters threaten to shoot Robin if any cops enter; the cops toss tear gas in, but are afraid to go inside. Since he has numerous skills, including the ability to climb the exteriors of buildings and a talent for going unnoticed, Batman naturally does the only thing he can: walk right in the front door, while loudly announcing his presence.
"Well, why not?" thinks Batman. "I've already died once today. And besides, at the top of those stairs is delicious gangster braaaaaaaaaains."
Batman climbs the stairs all the way to the top. Man, I'll bet he wishes this place had an elevator. Then he gets to the top, and the boss opens the door, preparing to blow the Batman away (not in a gay way).
Really? That was your plan, Batman? Duck and hope that Robin does something? I'm amazed that that worked.
Batman and Boss Arrumph engage in a fist-fight that lasts approximately not as long as this sentence. Then the Boss charges at our hero--
Hey, they do have an elevator!
The boss, however, overestimates, and ends up charging into the elevator shaft with Batman. Batman grabs a cable on the way down; the boss does not. He's arrumphed his last arrumph. And I'm pretty sure the fall ruined the delicious criminal mastermind braaaaaaaains, too. So sad faces all around.
Once again, our story concludes with Bruce illogically summing things up:
You do remember that Miller got shot for trying to reform, right? Hello?